Have you ever wondered if someone you held in high regard even cared about you? Existence of doubt is very telling about a relationship. Love belongs in a special class of values. Its elevated position makes it as unmistakable as daylight. Under what circumstances would you wonder if it’s day or night? The moment love becomes doubtful, a relationship hangs in the balance.
Reciprocity
While love is not a fuss to be tested on woozy whims, frequency of exchange can gauge how well it’s doing. When your input to a relationship outweighs tradeoffs from the object of your love, you begin to wonder whether the other person feels the same way about you as you feel about them. The real question is, “Why aren’t you investing as much in our mutual bond?” At that point, a relationship begins to die. Speed of decline will depend on any number of factors. Largely, efforts from both parties. Oftentimes, an indifferent party, unaware of frustrations of the other, continues to expect much from an already drained fountain. Noticing fluctuations, the apathetic fellow is roused from inertia, not to make amends, but to blame the antagonist. S/he is clueless on what caused the problem. If confrontations take place at that point, the outcome will depend on maturity, and general outlook of both parties. Many people prefer to defend their faults than to admit liability. That’s a fail-proof, time-tested recipe for killing friendships…
This article takes examples from Biblical figures, but the content isn’t meant to be religious.
Jesus handpicked twelve young men as His disciples. For three and a half years He trained them. Soon, He’d be gone, and the task of taking the gospel to the world would rest on their shoulders. Each of those men gave up a career for a chance to be apprenticed to the Messiah. Repeatedly, Jesus warned them of His impending death and resurrection. For whatever reasons, that bit of info did not register. When Christ was eventually slain in a most horrific Roman execution, the disciples returned to their old trade. Fishing! It was Peter, the lead disciple, who hatched the idea to revisit the Sea of Tiberias. What a laborious futility; all night, they caught nothing! Early next morning, the risen Lord reappeared and miraculously helped them net a boatful of fishes in one quick catch.
As they all sat for breakfast by the shores, Jesus confronted Peter with the all-important question. “Simon, son of John, do you love Me?” (John 21:1-19). Three times, Jesus posed the piercing question to a mutinous lead disciple, each time reminding him of the task for which He’d called him. “Feed My sheep!”
Superficial Responses
We often don’t hear the real questions posed to us. Like Peter, we respond superficially to very deep concerns. How could Peter claim to love Jesus while neglecting the task for which He called him? Had the Son of God wasted three and half years on a student who’d readily revert to his old ways? But rather than judge the Lord’s servant, let’s take his place and answer the question ourselves? Do we claim to love someone while being indifferent to matters of their highest concern?
To reflect the exchange between Jesus and Peter, invent a scenario to help drive the lesson home. Think about a couple, for instance. The husband informs his wife he will be going on a business trip on a given date. The morning of his flight, he stands perplexed by the wardrobe. His clothes are out for laundry. There’s no travel bag in sight. Nothing has been set. Gasping, he beckons his wife, “Honey, do you love me?” With a note of displeasure, she wonders what he means by such a question. “Of course, I love you. You know I do, don’t you?”
Love is reciprocal. The scale on which give-and-take happens, love can be measured.
The Grace of Sharing
What do you hear in these words? Are we asking folks to pay back pounds of flattery for every ounce of kindness? Absolutely not! Firstly, that would be commerce, not love. When I visit with my family, I bring them gifts. The idea of meeting my mother empty-handed would make my stomach churn. Her protestations that I should stop buying lots of stuff don’t deter me. I owe Mom a debt of love. I want to put a smile on her face every chance I get. I need to communicate my love to the woman who raised me. Beside gifts, tenderness, and care, we go out of our way to help those who matter to us. If we never ever gave a gift, never said a kind word, and never thanked those we claim to cherish, how would our words be validated?
Newly converted Saul of Tarsus, (later renamed Paul) began to preach at Antioch. Prophets from Jerusalem arrived there and prophesied that a great famine was coming. 29 Then every disciple, according to his ability, determined to send relief to the brothers who lived in Judea. 30 Indeed they did, and sent it to the elders by the hands of Barnabas and Saul. (Acts 11:29,30 ~MEV)
To alleviate challenges caused by the famine, Paul encouraged Gentile believers to give generously. Today, the church world constantly refers to Pauline epistles on issues of money. Much of it is derived from the apostle’s instructions on that initiative. When he coined the much cited verses, “It’s more blessed to give that to receive”, “God loves a cheerful giver”, and “Whoever sows sparingly will reap sparingly”, Paul wasn’t trying to raise money for his own personal use. The funds went to help the church at Jerusalem which was facing famine and persecution.
His words to Corinthian churches are equally instructive.
Demonstrate Your Love
1 Now I want to tell you what God in his grace has done for the churches in Macedonia. 2 Though they have been going through much trouble and hard times, they have mixed their wonderful joy with their deep poverty, and the result has been an overflow of giving to others. 3 They gave not only what they could afford but far more; and I can testify that they did it because they wanted to and not because of nagging on my part. 4 They begged us to take the money so they could share in the joy of helping the Christians in Jerusalem. 5 Best of all, they went beyond our highest hopes, for their first action was to dedicate themselves to the Lord and to us, for whatever directions God might give to them through us. (2 Cor 8:1-5 ~TLB)
Giving is an act of grace, a reciprocation of love. It’s neither an overflow of abundance, a product of manipulation, nor a veil for a sly person’s greed. Churches of Macedonia gave beyond their means at a time of deep poverty. Having yielded themselves to God, they considered partnering with His servants to fulfill divine assignment, a wonderful privilege. The churches of Corinth hadn’t honored their pledges. Paul tells them; 8 I am not giving you an order; I am not saying you must do it, but others are eager for it. This is one way to prove that your love is real, that it goes beyond mere words. (2 Cor 8:8) 24 So show them your love, and prove to all the churches that our boasting about you is justified. (2 Cor 8:24)
Some people try to reduce love to mere words. In his epistle, James disqualifies the hypocrisy of empty claims.
15 If you have a friend who is in need of food and clothing, 16 and you say to him, “Well, good-bye and God bless you; stay warm and eat hearty,” and then don’t give him clothes or food, what good does that do? 17 So you see, it isn’t enough just to have faith. You must also do good to prove that you have it. Faith that doesn’t show itself by good works is no faith at all—it is dead and useless. (James 1:15-17 ~TLB)
Note how many times the word “prove” is used in regard to giving. It has been regularly stated that “you can give without loving, but you can never love without giving.” When love is the impetus for giving, no other motive is required.
Faith and love are very closely intertwined. One won’t work without the other. Galatians 5:6 tells us that faith works in an atmosphere of love. Choke love, and faith will instantly stop working! Trust is a product of love. When relationships go south, it’s easy to fix blame. A better strategy would be to fix the problem. We cannot fix other people. But if we don’t establish why someone lost trust in us, we could repeat unfortunate cycles again and again.